destroyed by madness

i want to cry. i feel like i am going to.

fucking. failure. fucking. failure.

i hatemyself so much SO MUCH

yesterday was a good day.  300 cals ish.  today i've had 400.  i'm at 148.  hoping for 147 tomorrow.

so this weekend i didn't restrict very well, because i was with the bf all weekend.  blah.

friday-

soup at hand- 100c
2c rice- 400c
steamed veggies--150c
chili sauce- 150c
soy sauce-35c
total- 835

saturday-
1c rice - 200c
steamed veggies-100c
potato- 150c
tuna- 50c
sauce- 50c
cheese-50c
walnuts- 150c
tomatoes-30c
bacon bits- 30c
lettuce- 30c
ffranch- 30c
candy- 100c
total- 970YUCK

so yeah gross.  although i did go to the zoo on saturday, i walked for 3 hours... like that makes up for it right?

i didn't gain any weight, but i didn't lose any.  today i haven't had anything yet, but it's not yet my evil hungry time (aka dinner time).  screw that, whatever, i am not eating tonight.

so anyway.  my boyfriend, i love him so dearly, but he watches me so closely sometimes.  i hate it... he thinks i'm "recovered" so if i do anything slightly iffy, like skipping lunch or anything, he's on me.  luckily he doesn't know much about calories so usually i can pass off a salad with ff dressing and a chicken breast as enough for the day, but usually (here's the rub!) he just motivates me to want to be healthy and eat.

i fucking suck.  i b/ped last night and gained like 5 lbs.  today i ate 400 and burned off that much in the gym, but yet, i feel like a fucking failure.  if i could only break 150, i think i'd be happy at least for a couple days... right now it doesn't even seem like i'm going to ever get there.  tomorrow i am starting a fucking fast.  i can't do this anymore.  any food at all is a failure.

today, i am fasting.

after a mini b/p last night.  actually what i consider a binge is less than a normal meal... but somehow i still gained 3 lbs.  i am not eating until i lose 10 lbs. 

cw: 153
hw: 160
lw: 109
ht: 5'4